Why Women may not want to go sailing – and what you could do about it!
One of the things I used to hear a lot, in our early days of sailing as a family is a comment about how lucky my husband Peter was to have a wife who would go sailing with him.
Often the assumption would be made that I was a keen or avid sailor in my own right. Men often used to ask me to talk to their wives or invite us to join them in drinks hoping perhaps that my willingness to sail might rub off on their wives and partners or be able to be caught somehow!
The truth is I came sailing quite accidentally and not for any reasons of my own interest! I began sailing entirely for my husband. Simple as that!
DELIGHT
My husband Peter had sailed a few times in his younger days. He’d been raised in a family that loved to fish and he had grown up having lengthy holidays on the coast, always with a tinny or small motor boat accompanying them and had rich and wonderful memories of watching the horizon while on the boat with his dad, wondering what was out there.
Throughout his first marriage a sailing boat was never an option. But he’d always longed for one. On one of our first trips to the coast together he asked if we could go for a walk along the marina. Happy to accompany him we walked and looked. Out came a story of unfulfilled longing. Of wishing and hoping and of diminishing expectations.
One of the yachts we saw that day was for sale. ‘Lets find out how much it would cost,’ I said, easily able to see that this man would be delighted by owning a yacht. And I guess that was the crux of the matter to me – that life is all about delight.
That yacht was way too much money but it opened a door in Peter’s heart that I could see hadn’t been opened in a long time. We returned home and I happily supported his perusing of sailing boat sales on the internet. What followed was short listing potential boats, then visiting a bunch of places looking and of course finding one to buy.
As a complete boat novice – oh I had been on a few ferries in my life and once or twice been on small river cruises - I found that I preferred the stability of the more staid timber yacht we looked at to the lighter, bouncy, fiberglass models. We made an offer. The offer was accepted and suddenly I found myself the owner of a yacht. It seemed somewhat surreal!
MAKE IT A GOOD FIRST EXPERIENCE
Our first few days of sailing were quite remarkable. I was a little daunted by the notion of the yacht heeling over. I felt scared! But we soon learned to manage the degree of heeling - realising that it was possible to feel comfortable and to a certain extent, in control, made me feel able to relax.
I often hear men explain that they took their wife out on a rough day and she’s never been game to come since, or they went out and he took the yacht really fast so she’d feel the rush and excitement and strangely she’s never come out again!
I think you guys need to get a grip here. Not all women (and not even all men!) are ever going to love sailing! But some might like it better if you are wise about how you approach it. For me, well I knew a thing or two about what I liked and what would scare me and my husband was smart enough at that time to listen to me.
When we first went out and I got a little scared, he eased off on the sails to reduce the angle. Simple as that. If we were going too fast, he’d slow things down. He heard me and respected how I wanted and needed things to be.
I knew that we could go two ways here – I could say, ‘Go for it – enjoy your sailing – I hope you find some guys who will go with you’ – or I could say, ‘I’d like it more if we did……’ So sometimes it is going to come down to something simple like listening to what she needs. And then learning how to make it so.
WHATS IN IT FOR HER?
Our first yacht was our weekend escape. We planned to spend a few years fixing it up and then we’d do some ocean sailing. But we never wanted to return home and so less than 4 months after purchasing our old timber sloop, I sold my house and bought us our current yacht, sold all my books and furniture and gave up my job and began a cruising life.
I didn’t know then that women often don’t like to sail. To be truthful I would have to say that it has never occurred to me to not like it. When I saw the delight on my husband’s face and heard his impassioned speech I knew that I had given him an enduring gift. And this satisfied me immensely. Maybe that was enough for me.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I don’t care about sailing, nor that I am indifferent to it. In fact since his departure I have happily continued on anyway. But the key to my enjoyment has basically grown from figuring out how to make it work for me.
I have always loved the ocean. I’ve always been drawn to its changing colours and rhythmic patterns. It has always fascinated and delighted me and I have always been the happiest when living near the ocean. But as a resident of Canberra for over 25 years I had little opportunity to indulge my own longings! A writer who was always too busy to have either the time to write or the freedom of thought to be able to, I could see that this lifestyle would afford me the opportunity and provide the material to be able to embrace what I too had always longed for but not been able to achieve. When we decided to spend some time cruising I felt delighted that I could have time to write as well as spend my days beside the sea! Perfect.
The point though is that I saw what was in it for me. I didn’t just come along for the ride – I saw that in fulfilling my husband’s dream I could also fulfil mine. On days when I am not feeling thrilled about having so little storage space I remind myself that I might have only one small ‘wardrobe’ for my clothes, but I have time almost every day to write!
The challenge here is for each couple to find out what might make it work for her. What she might like….crafts, reading, travel, visiting family in far-away places, having family join you because you are somewhere idyllic. Take the time to figure out what would make him living his dream work for you.
FEAR – OUR BIGGEST ENEMY
Early on in my sailing experience I was given a book, suggested by a lovely friend whose parents are keen sailors, and given as a parting gift from my work mates and colleagues. Three Grannies Go To Sea (Bailey, Miles and Kleiss, Wyndham Observer, 2002) is a compilation of the sailing experiences of the three grannies mentioned in the title. I loved the sense this book gave me of women sharing their wisdom in this area of sailing and I read it cover to cover. The was a lot that encouraged me but the single most significant issue it raised for me was of how women, in general, deal with the sea and with potential difficulties. One of the most powerful things was one of the grannies explaining how she could literally see, in her head, every disaster as it unfolded, in minute detail - before anything had actually happened! It reminded me of how Mark Twain, said ‘I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.’ How like many women I know - me included!
I discovered soon in my sailing experience that when we are hoisting sails I could easily visualize them ripping! When we were coming in to a wharf or jetty I could easily see us crashing! I could literally see the boat strike the jetty, rip holes in the side, and begin to sink! In the first storm we encountered I could see the boat sinking and us all climbing into the life raft, us floating at sea for days with little to sustain us and the yacht slowly sinking in front of us as the vultures circled overhead! None of this happened but it shocked me how quickly my mind took me to these horrific scenarios and how intensely clear they were in my head. And then I read in the three grannies that other women did this too. That in fact women, who tend to be more imaginative than men, have a tendency to imagine the consequences, the unfolding of the drama, skipping ahead into all that just might go wrong!
What an eye opener this has been to me. But the ability to imagine an outcome doesn’t have to be a bad thing! It is possible to learn to rein it in and instead of visualizing disaster, actively visualize success. When we are undertaking any kind of manoeuvre I picture us succeeding. When we are coming in to a jetty or to drop anchor I proactively picture us all done, secure, no stress, no drama, happily enjoying a beer or wine to relax afterwards. When things are tricky, I picture the kids and I congratulating each other on how well we did.
My mind still drifts and I have to pull it back all the time, focus on the reality, what is actually happening and from there I choose to refocus on us achieving what we set out to, so don't think this is a one off decision and then it's all easy. The mind is an interesting thing, but there is evidence that suggests when we practice new things our brains learn to behave in different ways.
Of course some fear is very valid. Things can go wrong.
For me, having a strategy for when things get very difficult is essential. It is really important if you are looking to encourage a reluctant wife to be building on your own capacity to deal with problems, or to know who and how to call for assistance. For many women, knowing that help is available is essential. I was so fortunate that my husband was a very capable man who could fix almost anything. He was incredibly resourceful and his capacity to think through alternatives when something broke used to impress me immensely. I have learned to manage a lot of that myself and even though it is now me who is the skipper, I still find myself doing things the way he would have!
My suggestions to any of you who wish to encourage reluctant wives to go sailing would be to make the most of any training you can do to better equip yourself at sea. Learn diesel mechanics. Do a navigation course. Get your skippers ticket even if it is not required in your state. Show your wife or partner that you will learn what you need to, to keep her feeling safe. Sounds a bit macho I suppose and of course women can and do learn all these things too (as I myself have) but I am not here addressing women who independently want to sail, but those who would if they felt more comfortable at sea.
FINDING MY GROOVE
I was fortunate that when we first began sailing Jessica Watson had just completed her solo circumnavigation of the world and released her book, True Spirit (Hachette, 2010). I read it from cover to cover and then went back and started again. I couldn’t believe that a fifteen year old girl had the courage to do something even harder than we were contemplating. I was impressed, inspired, spurred on and took great encouragement from Jessica’s amazing achievement. I looked at the times she was scared but kept going. The times people around her questioned her ability to achieve what she aimed for. Her attitude when things went wrong. The fact that she got sea-sick but that didn’t deter her. I looked at all that and knew in my heart that I could do this too.
There were many times in our first days of sailing when Jessica’s words came back to me, when things she did came to me as things to try. I was so thankful for her wisdom, courage and experience.
It would be true to say when we first set out that I tended to take the passenger seat and allowed my husband to do the bulk of the actual sailing. I was responsible for the children and meals so it wasn’t as if I did nothing, but when it came to the actual sailing, well I helped as needed but left a lot to him. One morning when we were crossing the Bight from Esperance to Port Lincoln, in big messy seas our auto pilot died. We were three days into a seven day sail, land was a couple of hundred nautical miles away in any direction and there was nothing else for us to do but hand steer 24/7 until we got to our destination. Clearly my husband could not do it alone.
My first go at the helm in big, messy seas that were rolling and tossing us about was terrifying! But I had no choice. He told me that the only way we could do it was to take two hour turns. Two hours on, two hours off until Port Lincoln. I looked at the seas and I looked at him. Then I thought about a fifteen year old girl alone in this vast ocean and literally put my hand to the wheel.
Actually a remarkable thing happened - I discovered that I could do it. And not only just steer, I connected with the yacht. I found that helming in big seas (they grew to around 9 – 10 meters at their peak) was like dancing. A rhythm developed between the steering wheel and the yacht, the seas and me and after a relatively short while I went from feeling scared and intimidated by the prospect of hand steering for four and a half days to enjoying my time at the wheel and the sense it gave me of being one with the boat. It’s funny how often in life confronting our fears shows us that we had little to be scared of any way!
This is when I would consider that I ceased being a passenger and became a sailor myself. I’d heard people speak with awe about sailing in the Southern Ocean when we were preparing to leave Albany WA but here I was, little me, hand steering across the Bight without a worry in the world! I can’t say how good this made me feel.
THE LANGUAGE OF SAILING
When we first began sailing I discovered that it has a little language system all its own, fore and aft, port and starboard, stern and bow, halyards, and then all those sails and of course the mysteries of the head. One tip I’d give any fellas trying to encourage their women who are a little reluctant to take the leap into a life of cruising is to drop the boat speak! I understand the history of a lot of these terms, and while they have their place, for many women they serve to alienate and shut them out as non-members of the exclusive club of sailors. This can be true for any newcomers to sailing, and while you may enjoy learning the lingo, if your wife is confused by all the terms, you might find that if you drop the terms she just might keep coming out with you!
A YACHT FOR A HOME
One of the things that many women I speak to say of sailing is that they love their homes and wouldn't give them up for anything. They are amazed that I can cook in a small galley, that I can shower in a tiny amount of water, salt water or in an amenities block. To many these things constitute how you manage on holidays but are a far cry from how they would wish to live every day.
I have made the yacht our home. I have deliberately changed things about the interior of the boat to make it mine – lay outs, furnishings, colour schemes, put up pictures, taken down items, etc. When we are sailing the inside is sparse, with most things locked away, but when we are stopped everything comes back out again!
It is important when choosing a yacht to cruise on that consideration is made to ideas of homeliness. When we chose our yacht I had a list of things I was looking for and none included sail plans or the like! That I left to my husband. For me, well I was looking for a yacht that would feel like my home. I went a long way to get the yacht that worked for me but I am glad I insisted!
For me the rewards of this journey are many. Every day my view is of the ever changing hues of the ocean, or the glistening, glittering way it sparkles when sunlight falls on it. The beauty of the sun rise or sunset at sea, or of dolphins putting on a spectacular performance for us as we pass. Or having the time and opportunity to gaze at the beauty of a moon lit night and try to count the myriad stars above.
I have no alarm clock, but each morning I am awoken by the cries of the gulls or by nothing in particular but to the gentle rocking motion of the boat. Yes there are times I have been scared, and yes, some days there are the frustrations of limited space, tiny wardrobes, things that are hard to get to, things I wish I hadn’t left behind, but none of this compares with the freedom I have each day to explore, think, read, relax, love and grow. My family is seeing the world, Australia first, and every day I have time to do the things I have always wanted to – what’s not to love about that!
Often the assumption would be made that I was a keen or avid sailor in my own right. Men often used to ask me to talk to their wives or invite us to join them in drinks hoping perhaps that my willingness to sail might rub off on their wives and partners or be able to be caught somehow!
The truth is I came sailing quite accidentally and not for any reasons of my own interest! I began sailing entirely for my husband. Simple as that!
DELIGHT
My husband Peter had sailed a few times in his younger days. He’d been raised in a family that loved to fish and he had grown up having lengthy holidays on the coast, always with a tinny or small motor boat accompanying them and had rich and wonderful memories of watching the horizon while on the boat with his dad, wondering what was out there.
Throughout his first marriage a sailing boat was never an option. But he’d always longed for one. On one of our first trips to the coast together he asked if we could go for a walk along the marina. Happy to accompany him we walked and looked. Out came a story of unfulfilled longing. Of wishing and hoping and of diminishing expectations.
One of the yachts we saw that day was for sale. ‘Lets find out how much it would cost,’ I said, easily able to see that this man would be delighted by owning a yacht. And I guess that was the crux of the matter to me – that life is all about delight.
That yacht was way too much money but it opened a door in Peter’s heart that I could see hadn’t been opened in a long time. We returned home and I happily supported his perusing of sailing boat sales on the internet. What followed was short listing potential boats, then visiting a bunch of places looking and of course finding one to buy.
As a complete boat novice – oh I had been on a few ferries in my life and once or twice been on small river cruises - I found that I preferred the stability of the more staid timber yacht we looked at to the lighter, bouncy, fiberglass models. We made an offer. The offer was accepted and suddenly I found myself the owner of a yacht. It seemed somewhat surreal!
MAKE IT A GOOD FIRST EXPERIENCE
Our first few days of sailing were quite remarkable. I was a little daunted by the notion of the yacht heeling over. I felt scared! But we soon learned to manage the degree of heeling - realising that it was possible to feel comfortable and to a certain extent, in control, made me feel able to relax.
I often hear men explain that they took their wife out on a rough day and she’s never been game to come since, or they went out and he took the yacht really fast so she’d feel the rush and excitement and strangely she’s never come out again!
I think you guys need to get a grip here. Not all women (and not even all men!) are ever going to love sailing! But some might like it better if you are wise about how you approach it. For me, well I knew a thing or two about what I liked and what would scare me and my husband was smart enough at that time to listen to me.
When we first went out and I got a little scared, he eased off on the sails to reduce the angle. Simple as that. If we were going too fast, he’d slow things down. He heard me and respected how I wanted and needed things to be.
I knew that we could go two ways here – I could say, ‘Go for it – enjoy your sailing – I hope you find some guys who will go with you’ – or I could say, ‘I’d like it more if we did……’ So sometimes it is going to come down to something simple like listening to what she needs. And then learning how to make it so.
WHATS IN IT FOR HER?
Our first yacht was our weekend escape. We planned to spend a few years fixing it up and then we’d do some ocean sailing. But we never wanted to return home and so less than 4 months after purchasing our old timber sloop, I sold my house and bought us our current yacht, sold all my books and furniture and gave up my job and began a cruising life.
I didn’t know then that women often don’t like to sail. To be truthful I would have to say that it has never occurred to me to not like it. When I saw the delight on my husband’s face and heard his impassioned speech I knew that I had given him an enduring gift. And this satisfied me immensely. Maybe that was enough for me.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I don’t care about sailing, nor that I am indifferent to it. In fact since his departure I have happily continued on anyway. But the key to my enjoyment has basically grown from figuring out how to make it work for me.
I have always loved the ocean. I’ve always been drawn to its changing colours and rhythmic patterns. It has always fascinated and delighted me and I have always been the happiest when living near the ocean. But as a resident of Canberra for over 25 years I had little opportunity to indulge my own longings! A writer who was always too busy to have either the time to write or the freedom of thought to be able to, I could see that this lifestyle would afford me the opportunity and provide the material to be able to embrace what I too had always longed for but not been able to achieve. When we decided to spend some time cruising I felt delighted that I could have time to write as well as spend my days beside the sea! Perfect.
The point though is that I saw what was in it for me. I didn’t just come along for the ride – I saw that in fulfilling my husband’s dream I could also fulfil mine. On days when I am not feeling thrilled about having so little storage space I remind myself that I might have only one small ‘wardrobe’ for my clothes, but I have time almost every day to write!
The challenge here is for each couple to find out what might make it work for her. What she might like….crafts, reading, travel, visiting family in far-away places, having family join you because you are somewhere idyllic. Take the time to figure out what would make him living his dream work for you.
FEAR – OUR BIGGEST ENEMY
Early on in my sailing experience I was given a book, suggested by a lovely friend whose parents are keen sailors, and given as a parting gift from my work mates and colleagues. Three Grannies Go To Sea (Bailey, Miles and Kleiss, Wyndham Observer, 2002) is a compilation of the sailing experiences of the three grannies mentioned in the title. I loved the sense this book gave me of women sharing their wisdom in this area of sailing and I read it cover to cover. The was a lot that encouraged me but the single most significant issue it raised for me was of how women, in general, deal with the sea and with potential difficulties. One of the most powerful things was one of the grannies explaining how she could literally see, in her head, every disaster as it unfolded, in minute detail - before anything had actually happened! It reminded me of how Mark Twain, said ‘I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.’ How like many women I know - me included!
I discovered soon in my sailing experience that when we are hoisting sails I could easily visualize them ripping! When we were coming in to a wharf or jetty I could easily see us crashing! I could literally see the boat strike the jetty, rip holes in the side, and begin to sink! In the first storm we encountered I could see the boat sinking and us all climbing into the life raft, us floating at sea for days with little to sustain us and the yacht slowly sinking in front of us as the vultures circled overhead! None of this happened but it shocked me how quickly my mind took me to these horrific scenarios and how intensely clear they were in my head. And then I read in the three grannies that other women did this too. That in fact women, who tend to be more imaginative than men, have a tendency to imagine the consequences, the unfolding of the drama, skipping ahead into all that just might go wrong!
What an eye opener this has been to me. But the ability to imagine an outcome doesn’t have to be a bad thing! It is possible to learn to rein it in and instead of visualizing disaster, actively visualize success. When we are undertaking any kind of manoeuvre I picture us succeeding. When we are coming in to a jetty or to drop anchor I proactively picture us all done, secure, no stress, no drama, happily enjoying a beer or wine to relax afterwards. When things are tricky, I picture the kids and I congratulating each other on how well we did.
My mind still drifts and I have to pull it back all the time, focus on the reality, what is actually happening and from there I choose to refocus on us achieving what we set out to, so don't think this is a one off decision and then it's all easy. The mind is an interesting thing, but there is evidence that suggests when we practice new things our brains learn to behave in different ways.
Of course some fear is very valid. Things can go wrong.
For me, having a strategy for when things get very difficult is essential. It is really important if you are looking to encourage a reluctant wife to be building on your own capacity to deal with problems, or to know who and how to call for assistance. For many women, knowing that help is available is essential. I was so fortunate that my husband was a very capable man who could fix almost anything. He was incredibly resourceful and his capacity to think through alternatives when something broke used to impress me immensely. I have learned to manage a lot of that myself and even though it is now me who is the skipper, I still find myself doing things the way he would have!
My suggestions to any of you who wish to encourage reluctant wives to go sailing would be to make the most of any training you can do to better equip yourself at sea. Learn diesel mechanics. Do a navigation course. Get your skippers ticket even if it is not required in your state. Show your wife or partner that you will learn what you need to, to keep her feeling safe. Sounds a bit macho I suppose and of course women can and do learn all these things too (as I myself have) but I am not here addressing women who independently want to sail, but those who would if they felt more comfortable at sea.
FINDING MY GROOVE
I was fortunate that when we first began sailing Jessica Watson had just completed her solo circumnavigation of the world and released her book, True Spirit (Hachette, 2010). I read it from cover to cover and then went back and started again. I couldn’t believe that a fifteen year old girl had the courage to do something even harder than we were contemplating. I was impressed, inspired, spurred on and took great encouragement from Jessica’s amazing achievement. I looked at the times she was scared but kept going. The times people around her questioned her ability to achieve what she aimed for. Her attitude when things went wrong. The fact that she got sea-sick but that didn’t deter her. I looked at all that and knew in my heart that I could do this too.
There were many times in our first days of sailing when Jessica’s words came back to me, when things she did came to me as things to try. I was so thankful for her wisdom, courage and experience.
It would be true to say when we first set out that I tended to take the passenger seat and allowed my husband to do the bulk of the actual sailing. I was responsible for the children and meals so it wasn’t as if I did nothing, but when it came to the actual sailing, well I helped as needed but left a lot to him. One morning when we were crossing the Bight from Esperance to Port Lincoln, in big messy seas our auto pilot died. We were three days into a seven day sail, land was a couple of hundred nautical miles away in any direction and there was nothing else for us to do but hand steer 24/7 until we got to our destination. Clearly my husband could not do it alone.
My first go at the helm in big, messy seas that were rolling and tossing us about was terrifying! But I had no choice. He told me that the only way we could do it was to take two hour turns. Two hours on, two hours off until Port Lincoln. I looked at the seas and I looked at him. Then I thought about a fifteen year old girl alone in this vast ocean and literally put my hand to the wheel.
Actually a remarkable thing happened - I discovered that I could do it. And not only just steer, I connected with the yacht. I found that helming in big seas (they grew to around 9 – 10 meters at their peak) was like dancing. A rhythm developed between the steering wheel and the yacht, the seas and me and after a relatively short while I went from feeling scared and intimidated by the prospect of hand steering for four and a half days to enjoying my time at the wheel and the sense it gave me of being one with the boat. It’s funny how often in life confronting our fears shows us that we had little to be scared of any way!
This is when I would consider that I ceased being a passenger and became a sailor myself. I’d heard people speak with awe about sailing in the Southern Ocean when we were preparing to leave Albany WA but here I was, little me, hand steering across the Bight without a worry in the world! I can’t say how good this made me feel.
THE LANGUAGE OF SAILING
When we first began sailing I discovered that it has a little language system all its own, fore and aft, port and starboard, stern and bow, halyards, and then all those sails and of course the mysteries of the head. One tip I’d give any fellas trying to encourage their women who are a little reluctant to take the leap into a life of cruising is to drop the boat speak! I understand the history of a lot of these terms, and while they have their place, for many women they serve to alienate and shut them out as non-members of the exclusive club of sailors. This can be true for any newcomers to sailing, and while you may enjoy learning the lingo, if your wife is confused by all the terms, you might find that if you drop the terms she just might keep coming out with you!
A YACHT FOR A HOME
One of the things that many women I speak to say of sailing is that they love their homes and wouldn't give them up for anything. They are amazed that I can cook in a small galley, that I can shower in a tiny amount of water, salt water or in an amenities block. To many these things constitute how you manage on holidays but are a far cry from how they would wish to live every day.
I have made the yacht our home. I have deliberately changed things about the interior of the boat to make it mine – lay outs, furnishings, colour schemes, put up pictures, taken down items, etc. When we are sailing the inside is sparse, with most things locked away, but when we are stopped everything comes back out again!
It is important when choosing a yacht to cruise on that consideration is made to ideas of homeliness. When we chose our yacht I had a list of things I was looking for and none included sail plans or the like! That I left to my husband. For me, well I was looking for a yacht that would feel like my home. I went a long way to get the yacht that worked for me but I am glad I insisted!
For me the rewards of this journey are many. Every day my view is of the ever changing hues of the ocean, or the glistening, glittering way it sparkles when sunlight falls on it. The beauty of the sun rise or sunset at sea, or of dolphins putting on a spectacular performance for us as we pass. Or having the time and opportunity to gaze at the beauty of a moon lit night and try to count the myriad stars above.
I have no alarm clock, but each morning I am awoken by the cries of the gulls or by nothing in particular but to the gentle rocking motion of the boat. Yes there are times I have been scared, and yes, some days there are the frustrations of limited space, tiny wardrobes, things that are hard to get to, things I wish I hadn’t left behind, but none of this compares with the freedom I have each day to explore, think, read, relax, love and grow. My family is seeing the world, Australia first, and every day I have time to do the things I have always wanted to – what’s not to love about that!
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